O Captain, My Captain
by DancingForGiraffes
Summary: A Bleach Sitcom. The characters of Bleach are thrust into an Eastender's style situation. BETRAYAL! LUST! TETRIS! COMPLETE CRACK! OTHER SOUP-OPERA ELEMENTS! This is: O CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN. -No idea how many chapters there'll be. As many as we feel like-
1. Episode 1

**O CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN.**

**The best damn Bleach Soap Opera you ever saw.**

((Thought I'd get the 'mature content' warning out of the way first, so that we can be as twuntish as we like in later content. Warning: The word 'naked' comes up THREE TIMES in the first 63 words (it was a sort of challenge to include it as much as possible). There is: implied homosexuality; homosexuality; heterosexuality; everything in between and also tetris. Now welcome to. O captain. My Captain. It's a challenge between Hev and Rov to write a stupid Bleach Soap Opera between us, a chapter each. Except this one we wrote a few paragraphs each at a time. Don't expect seriousness. We're not writing this for anyone but ourselves, but you're welcome to come along for the ride. (((I'm not really putting a mature content thing on this. It's just as bad as Eastenders, and that comes on before the watershed.)))))

**BETRAYAL! LUST! TETRIS! OTHER SOUP-OPERA ELEMENTS! IT'S TIME FOR….**

**O CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN!**

"I love you shnookums," Izuru gushed, nuzzling against the naked frame of his lover, ignoring how his emo fringe got in the way and made him a bit blind.

"I love you too, pumpkin pie," Gin gushed back, wondering what the naked frame of his lover would cook for breakfast (and if the blondie would still be naked, of course). However, at that very moment, there was a thunderous knocking from the door!

"KIRA IZURU, YOU HARLOT!"

Renji kicked down the door and stormed into the room. His red hair flowed behind him, brow furrowed in anger. Izuru quickly grabbed the blanket that had been barely covering him and flung it over his naked body.

Gin had less caring for his lack of clothes, and instead turned to the man who has just broken part of his house, a look of pure disgust on his face.

"How DARE you come into my house like that?!"

"I'll do as I please, you… You… Boyfriend stealer!"

The room (of three people) gasped. Excluding Renji. And Gin, who never changes his expression. And Izuru, who already knew. So no one gasped, really.

"Izuru… Is this…. Is this true?" Gin turned to his naked blonde lover who shamefully looked away, not able to meet the other man's (closed) eyes.

"Y-Yes Gin… It is… It is true…" Izuru mumbled back, tears slowly forming in his own blue eyes as he looked dramatically towards the window. "It IS true, but I… But not with _Renji!_"

Renji looked insulted. But gasped all the same.

Elsewhere, a pair of boobs was sitting quietly in a bar, chatting in hushed tones with another pair of boobs. The first pair of boobs belonged to a strawberry blonde who went by the name of Matsumoto.

Matsumoto was giggling slightly; a slight blush had spread across her face as she discussed the topic at hand. A topic that if it had been found out, it would have been blown into a full blown scandal. So of course, naturally, she had to spread it as fast as possible before there was a possibility of it not being as big a scandal. The topic?

Merely that Izuru Kira…

Was _straight_.

Okay, not straight, perhaps, but he had been _cheating_ on his _boyfriend_ behind his _back_ with a _woman!_

"Izuru, is this true?" Gin asked, raising an eyebrow. He didn't really care, to be honest, but if he acted possessive enough then there'd be some good angry sex later.

"I'm so sorry, Gin!" Izuru's little emo face was almost overrun with tears (he'd stubbed his toe in shock when Renji had broken down the door). "It's true! I don't know how you could ever forgive me! I'm worthless, I'm a worthless human being!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Doesn't matter much to me," the silver-haired guy replied, absent-mindedly checking his nails.

"You… You forgive me?! Oh darling, I'll never do it again!" Their naked torsos hugged energetically (well, Gin was groping Izuru energetically enough). Renji burst into dramatic tears. But was also ANGRY. And hurt! And confused! And so many other emotions that are too complicated (and boring) to list!

"Oh Izuru! How could you stay with this _fiend_ who doesn't even _care_ about you, when I… When I…"

"Yes?!" Izuru urged him to go on.

"I…"

The second pair of boobs (they were darker in appearance) giggled in response to what the first had said.

"Is that really true? Did they really…. You know?" The dark skinned woman responded chirpily. The blonde gave a small nod in response, and then both women began to laugh frantically.

"I… KNOW ABOUT YOUR SON."

The whole room came a little closer to gasping this time, as Izuru actually gasped. Gin was wondering if it would be rude to take a piss at such a dramatic moment. Renji was busy pointing accusingly at the naked pair.

"It… It's not true, Gin! I swear!" Izuru shrieked, jumping out of the bed dramatically. Taking the covers with him. Gin continued to lounge about idly, wondering if he should be concerned at something. Renji tried very, very hard not to look at Gin's uncovered shame nakedness.

"It IS true, Izuru! Don't try to hide it! How could you… How could you do this to me… To our… To our _child_…?" Renji asked, trying not to sob as he shielded his eyes from Gin's sprawl on their filthy bed.

"Renji, what the crap are you talking about? You're not the mother of my child. You don't have a freaking womb," Izuru replied, narrowing his eyes at the redhead, who merely looked up at him with utter sorrow in his eyes.

"Then, Izuru… If I'm not the mother… If you lied to me about THAT, too… Who IS?!"

A third pair of boobs joined Matsumoto and Yoruichi. This pair belonged to a ginger-haired girl. She was younger than the other two, but joined them all the same.

"Oh, hey Orihime!" The blonde giggled. "I have something I need to tell you!" With that she began to tell her what she had just told the previous pair of boobs. That Kira Izuru was, and IS straight. Orihime gave a small squeak in response to this. For she, she too had already known about this. FROM FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE.

"It's… It's true!" Orihime started to sob, the back of her hand dramatically against her forehead as she gripped onto the other boobs' stool with the other hand. She was so overcome with emotion, you see. "I… I am Kira Izuru's fiancée!"

The darker pair of boobs gasped.

"That cannot be!" Yoruichi exclaimed, standing up from the stool in _horror_ and _anger_. "_I_ am Kira Izuru's fiancée!"

**NEXT TIME ON O CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN:**_"Quick, we have to HIDE."_

"I... I never knew you felt like that about me!"

And

_"We can't, I'm married to your best friend!"_

((Haha. Thanks for reading guys. Tell us what you think of it. Any suggestions for what you'd like to see in future chapters will be loved, though the vaguer the better. Also, the next chapter is being written at the minute, so they might not be included then. I hope to see any replies.))


	2. Episode 2

O CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN

**O CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN.**

**The best damn Bleach Soap Opera you ever saw.**

((Last time on O Captain My Captain!

--

"I'll do as I please, you… You… Boyfriend stealer!"

"It IS true, Izuru! Don't try to hide it! How could you… How could you do this to me… To our… To our _child_…?"

"That cannot be! _I_ am Kira Izuru's fiancée!"

--

This one was written entirely by me. :3 There's not really much to warn against if you've already read this far. The previous chapter can be found in the comments.))

**BETRAYAL! LUST! TETRIS! OTHER SOUP-OPERA ELEMENTS! IT'S TIME FOR….**

**O CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN!**

"Why are we running?!" The petite, dark haired girl was whining, but she didn't particularly care. Kaien couldn't spare her a look whilst running, but he did reply with,

"Rukia, just be quiet and keep running! Come on, quicker! Quick, we have to HIDE!" he was nearly yelling now in his frustration, so Rukia just simply followed as best as she could with his energetic pace – it didn't stop her from complaining still, though.

"But _why_ are we running?" she whined again, but ran abruptly into Kaien, who had just stopped.

"Rukia… It's… It's not safe back there…"

"What?!" Orihime gasped, genuinely surprised at the drama that was beginning to unfold.

"You heard me!" the darker boobs started to yell, outraged at Orihime's initial emotional outburst. "I am Kira Izuru's fiancée! And YOU, you… Whore! YOU can't be! Because, well, it doesn't work like that!" The first, and largest, pair of boobs groaned.

"Yoru, Yoru, we've gone over this. Izuru turned you down, remember? You're not his fiancée. You're Kisuke's little kitty cat. You married him three years ago. You REALLY need to start remembering that."

Yoruichi blinked and then let out a sheepish grin.

"O-Oh yeah! Aha… Well THAT was embarrassing… Hey, speaking of Kisuke… Where-" The dark skinned girl was cut off – by her own screams!

"Well, if this party is over, I'm going to go shower. Izu-chan, the window's over there if ya wanna let yerself out like a ninja again," Gin told the blonde, yawning widely as he moved fluidly from the bed to the bathroom in all his naked glory. Renji stared. Izuru used the distraction to jump out of the window, giggling at his own ninja-ness before he realised that he was still naked.

"Hey trees… Hey world… Hey naked Izuru… Hey- wait. Wait. … Wait. … A little longer. Okay, done with my confused face. Oh, wait a minute. There, that's the puzzled face over with. Naked Izuru? Okay, I need the surprised face. There we go. And now the pervert fa-"

"Oh will you shut up, Hisagi-san?!" Izuru was not in the mood for Shuuhei's antics. He was already working on the scarred man's belt. Shuuhei didn't even have time to announce his surprised face before it appeared on his expression holder (his face, that is).

"Woah, I… I never knew you felt like that about me!"

"Shut up," Izuru snapped at him. He was _still_ not in the mood for Shuuhei's antics. He was much too busy pulling on the taller man's trousers over his naked glory (ignoring how weird it felt for his usually conservative self to go commando underneath them).

"Calm down, pretty lady-"

"Oh, come ON – that's SO cliché! Really, is that the best you can do?" The dark pair of boobs shrugged off the bespectacled man that had clamped one hand over her mouth, the other around her waist. Aizen frowned.

"But Shihoin-san, I thought I was doing really well at the scary thing today!" Yoruichi giggled at his silliness, waving a goodbye to the others as she skipped off to find Kisuke. The man's voice travelled to her as she entered their house and she frowned.

"But, oh, Urahara-san-"

"We can't, I'm married to your best friend!"

She stopped. Gasped. And let out an unholy screech of anger.


End file.
